Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Robe and Stole

Lucy saw my mom in her full pastoral robes and stole for the first time at today's Christmas eve service.
Lucy:  "Grandma, what kind of outfit is THAT?"

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Morning Pronouncement

You know it's going to be a rough day when your daughter comes into your room at 7:30 a.m. and the first thing out of her mouth is, "I feel like a jerk today."

Saturday, December 14, 2013

About Schmidt

Caleb buys all of his clothes from Tractor Supply Company, who's 'brand' is  C.E. Schmidt Workwear (the brand preferred by farmers).  Lucy and I were cheering him on today as he installed new curtains in Lucy's room.
Me:  "Look at daddy! He's so handy.  Drilling and measuring in his Schmidt workwear!"
Lucy:  "You can't say Schmidt mom."

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Her hair has skills

Me: What did I tell you about chewing on your hair?  If you keep doing that we're going to have to cut it short again.
Lucy:  I'm not chewing on it.  I'm pretending it's a snorkel.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

What exactly goes on in that bathroom?

Me:  Why is the door to bathroom where Lena's litter box is closed?
Lucy:  I had to use the bathroom.  I needed my piracy.

I didn't correct her.  Piracy is way more fun than privacy.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Extinction

Lucy:  When did Wooly Mammoths go extinct?
Caleb:  A long, long time ago, before you were born.
Lucy:  So, when mom was pregnant with me?

Yes, that's right.  Wooly Mammoths went extinct in 2009.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Late Night Emergency

An hour and a half past her bedtime, we hear Lucy scream out of her room ...
Lucy:  "Dad!  I want to tell you something!  I need to tell you something! Come quick!"
Caleb: "Lucy, it's time for sleep.  What is it?"
Lucy: "What's your favorite Ninja Turtle?  I like Donatello."

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Holstein Sancken?

Me:  Lucy, what do you think we should name the baby if it's a boy?
Lucy: Black Angus would be a good name.

I'm not sure who would be more offended, the bovine community or the African American community.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Lucy's promotion

As of May 27, 2014, Lucy will be resigning from her post as Only Child and will move into a senior management position of Big Sister.  We wish her luck in her newest endeavors.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Free Banana Man!

Me: Guess what I did today at work?
Lucy: What?
Me: I made a list of ridiculous suspensions in the state of Virginia. Did you know that one boy was suspended for 10 days for wearing a banana suit during half-time at a football game? Isn't that silly?
Lucy: Did you marry him?

Actually, come to think of it, it does sound like something Caleb would have done in high school.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Bodo's

Lucy: "What is that truck called?"
Me: "A Nissan Frontier."
Lucy: "Frontier?  Like a tear on your face?"
Me: "No.  A frontier is like ... huh ... how do I explain this?  A frontier is like a place you've never been to before that you really want to visit and explore."
Lucy:  "Oh.  My frontier is Bodo's Bagels."

Oh the sorrows of being born to a gluten-intolerant mother.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Mad about the Mouse

Lucy: "Mom, that's Mickey Mouse. He's famous because he wrote all of the Disney movies."

Friday, November 1, 2013

Dancing through the fire

Katy Perry: I've got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire ...
Lucy: You can't dance through a fire!  That's too dangerous!
Me: Well, Katy Perry thinks you can.
Lucy:  Is Katy Perry not very smart?  Because she also forgets to put on clothes and dances in her bra and underwear.

Apparently I expose my 4-year-old to far too much pop culture.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Poetic language

Mulan: Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?
Lucy:  IT'S YOU, MULAN!
Lucy has no patience for poetic language.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Racial generalization

Lucy: One of the volunteers at our school is Canadian.
Me: Oh really? How do you know that?
Lucy: Because she has brownish-white skin and eyes that look more like lines than circles.
Me: Lucy, do you mean Canadian? Or Asian?
Lucy: I mean Canadian! Like Liza Ann's mommy and Maddie's mommy!
Me: I think you mean Korean.
Lucy: Oh yeah, Korean.

So, to my Korean-American friends, next time someone asks you where you're from, just say, "Canada." I'm guessing most Americans have about the same level of cultural and geographic awareness as Lucy does.

Monday, September 30, 2013

My sweet, vulnerable girl

Lucy: A girl pushed me into the sandbox today.
Me: Oh yeah?  That must of hurt your feelings.
Lucy: No!  It didn't hurt my feelings!  It broke my heart!

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Sweet Dreams

Lucy has been waking up at 2 a.m. with a series of strange requests.  Several weeks ago it was, "Where's my pink drink?"  Two nights ago it was, "I want a mountain of babies!  I can't sleep without a mountain of babies!"  Last night it was, "Where is my balloon?  I must have it tied to my arm!"  Here's to hoping we all sleep through the night tonight without being disrupted by loud iterations of whatever is happening in her dreams.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Gross

Lucy: I love ponies so much I want to eat them!
Me: Eww!  Don't eat a pony!
Lucy: It would be a dead pony.  People love to eat dead things, like cows and chickens.

Ummm ... how to explain the social rejection of horse meat ...

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Poop humor

While at an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet ...
Lucy (loudly): Who wants to poop in their pants?!?
(awkward silence)
Me: Lucy, do you need to go to the bathroom?
Lucy: Yes.

We'll never be royals ...

Today we were over working on the new house when I farted.  It happened to be a particularly smelly fart.

Lucy:  Ew!  Mom!  That is NOT royalty!  You're supposed to be a queen, not a farter!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Tone it down

In the checkout of CVS, Lucy is dancing while two elderly African-American women wait in line behind us.
Lucy:  Mom, those women think I'm gorgeous.
Me:  Oh really?  Did they say that?
Elderly Women:  No, we didn't.  But, of course she is.
Me:  And humble too.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Hopeless

We arrived at the beach yesterday and Lucy was so excited, she couldn't fall asleep.  I spent an hour with her, then my mom spent an hour.  Finally, my mom said, "How about I get you some warm milk.  Do you think that will help you fall asleep?"
Lucy (with a dramatic sigh):  "We can only hope."

Friday, August 30, 2013

Lucy's theme song

On the radio they explained that a Regina Spektor song was the theme song for Orange is the New Black.
Lucy: "What's a theme song?"
Me: "It's a song that always goes with a certain show or person."
Lucy: "What's our family's theme song?"
Me: "Hmm ... good question.  What do you think it is?"
Lucy: "Probably 'Peace Like a River.'"
This was actually a surprisingly accurate choice.  By Lucy's request, we sing it at every meal and before bedtime.  I only wish it was true, and we all did have 'peace like a river in our souls.'  Instead, I sometimes feel like a more appropriate theme song would be, Ozzy Osbourne's 'Crazy Train.'

This is not a 'Where's Waldo?' game

We've been teaching Lucy about different religions. After seeing a good friend of mine in a hijab, she now knows that Muslim women wear hijabs. There's only one problem. There are so few Muslim women in Charlottesville, when she sees one she gets so excited that she points and screams, "MUSLIM!"

To the stranger who gave me a weird look at Target this week, I swear we're not training a racist, preschool militia.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Slow down

Me: Hurry up eating your sandwich Lucy, we have a lot of errands to run today.
Lucy: Why do you run errands? I want to walk them.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

If there's a will, there's a way

Lucy: Mom, where are the matches?
Me:  I'm not giving you matches.
Lucy: Fine, then I guess I'll have to find a volcano to roast my marshmallows!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Evil Minions

We saw Despicable Me 2 today.  Getting into the car ...


Me:  Argh!  I'm a purple minion!
Lucy: Mom, they're called EVIL minions.  I looked it up on the internet.

Although they may actually be called evil minions, considering she just learned how to spell her name, I find her explanation doubtful (though hilarious).

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Going commando

During dinner ...
Me: Wait, are you wearing undies?
Lucy: No.
Me: Have you been without undies all day?
Lucy:  Do I have to wear them everyday?

Saturday, August 3, 2013

She has a point

Me: Lucy, stop spraying water on the floor.  It's getting slippery.
Lucy: But Mom!  I'm an inventor!  You have to let inventors do whatever they want because that's how they invent things.

Monday, July 29, 2013

That's insulting

It's hard to reprimand a kid who comes up with hilarious insults.  My favorite Lucy insult has been, "You unconscious swine!"  Because, really, you must be pretty dumb if you're being compared to a pig in a coma.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Well ... poop

Lucy: Mom!  I just pooped, but don't worry.  I covered it up like a cat.

My first thought: Oh no, this better not be a treasure hunt.

Upon walking into the bathroom to see that said poop actually made it into the toilet, and was now "covered up" with an entire roll of unraveled toilet paper ...

My second thought: This should be the most interested explanation the plumber has heard in a while.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Art for the masses

Lowe's has a new piece of abstract art greeting customers.  Lucy just dropped an entire quart of white paint in the parking lot.  You're welcome.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Presenting Sir Pea

Lucy sang a song at dinner tonight entitled, "There's a party in my tummy."  Each stanza invited a different food group to join.  Surprisingly, peas and carrots were honored guests.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Live Strong

I have an end-of-the-summer-semester presentation today on a case study of a non-profit. I chose Live Strong. Lucy was kind enough to line up her stuffed animals and be my audience as I practiced presenting on how they dealt with Lance Armstrong's doping scandal. Towards the end she grabs a stuffed dinosaur and wanders away.

Me: Where are you going?
Lucy: To the dentist, so my dinosaur can make his lips strong.

Let's hope the adults in my class this evening get more out of the presentation than Lucy did.

Monday, July 8, 2013

First things first

Lucy: I don't need your help!
Me: Fine.  Then you can make your own dinner.
Lucy (aghast): But I don't even own an oven mitt!

This is, after all, the only obstacle between her and prime rib.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Outwitted again

Lucy: What are you doing?
Me: I'm 'playing dead' until you pick up your toys.
Lucy: MOM! Only possums play dead!
Me: Fine, I'm a possum.
Lucy: No you're not! It's day time! Possums are nocturnal animals!

Touche. You win, Lucy. You always do.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

National Zoo Weekend


No one and the ark

We are shamelessly putting Lucy into every local VBS this summer in order to make some progress on the house we bought at the beginning of the month.  Last week she was with the Baptists this week she's with the Lutherans, and the week after the 4th she'll be with the Methodists. 

Although, I'm still questioning how much she is learning.  Yesterday she learned about Noah and the Ark.  She came home singing, "Who built the ark?  No one!  No one!  Who built the ark?  Brother No One built the ark!"

Monday, June 17, 2013

The gospel according to Lucy

Lucy went to her first day at Vacation Bible School today.  When she came home she proceeded to tell me she learned a bunch of bible verses.  They consisted of the following: "Here is a bottle, here is a baby.  Suck, suck, suck."  And, "Get away from ticks!  They suck your blood!"
Me: "Lucy, I don't think those are Bible verses."
Lucy: "Well, they're MY Bible verses."

Friday, June 14, 2013

Door to door service

Lucy: "Look!  We got a package today!"
Me:  "Yeah!  It's a really big package.  I wonder what it is?"
Lucy:  "Maybe it's God.  He's really big."
If you could only order God in the mail ...

Monday, June 10, 2013

Quite an imagination

During a trip to Michael's today ...
Lucy: "Oh look mom!  Tiaras!  I'm going to buy one for Anna so we can both have one when we play princesses."
Me: "Who's Anna?"
Lucy: "My sister in your belly!"
The woman next to me congratulated me on my pregnancy.  Only one problem, I'M NOT PREGNANT.  This "I want a sibling" thing is becoming a problem.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

God's got nothing to do with time out

Lucy wrote a letter to God today.  Here's the opening sentence, "Kristin is nice, but never listens to me.  Caleb is also nice, but goes away to work a lot."  Why do I feel like she's tattle taleing on us?

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

3 going on 13, part II

Continuing on her 3 going on 13 trend ... today at the mall Lucy told me, "Mom, don't walk so close to me.  And, pretend you're my sister."

Sunday, May 26, 2013

3 going on 13

Lucy has started using the phrase, "You're ruining my life!"  I swore I had ten more years before I would hear that.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

The name of our next child? Thoreau Gunner.

The juxtaposition of where we live, a rural county, versus the University town 30-minutes away was never made more apparent than today. 

I covered the high school graduation this morning for my job with the local county newspaper.  A few of the first names read allowed as graduates crossed the stage: Remmington, Winchester, Hunter. 

Later on, I took Lucy to a park in Charlottesville.  The names of several the kids on the playground: Emerson, Augustine and Soren. 

It seems Lucy may grow up to be a philosophical member of the NRA.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Myna Bird

Me: "Lucy, you need to stay on that rug for time out.  Stop moving."
Lucy: "You forgot to say, 'Do you understand?'!"
Wow, it's painful to have a little mimic around.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

She takes after her father

Lucy: "This is organic spinach.  It came from an organic plant."
Me: "Yeah!  You're so smart!"
Lucy: "Does smart mean right?  Because I know I'm right."

Monday, May 20, 2013

It's a hard knock life.

Lucy has been waking up at 1 a.m. for several months now.  For a while, either Caleb or I would go and lay down on the floor next to her toddler bed until she fell asleep again (usually one of us did too).  After months of sleepless nights, and achy backs, this week we decided to change up how we dealt with the situation

We told Lucy, "if you wake up in the night, mommy and daddy aren't going to come and sleep in your room any more.  You can either go back to sleep in your bed or you can come and sleep on the floor next to mommy and daddy's bed."

This morning I woke up at 1 a.m. to Lucy, crying.  She was lying on the floor next to me wailing, "Princesses never sleep on the floor!"

Thursday, May 16, 2013

No accounting for taste

My mom: Those lanterns are so ugly.
Lucy: Yeah, they are so ugly!  They must be grandpa's.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

No moment like the present ... to be in time out

Just to prove that not everything over at our house is unicorn pooping rainbows, Lucy had a record number of Time Outs today.  Here they are, with their reasons.

1. Singing (loudly) her new song, entitled "My crotch has wrinkles" at preschool.
2. Licking my face while I was holding her over a public toilet.
3. Stealing a package of M & Ms from the pharmacy.
4. Letting our indoor cat our of the house, on purpose.
5. A sneak-attack coloring on MY face with magic marker during "rest" time.
6. Throwing a package of raspberries across the car.
7. Chewing and licking the PACKAGE of kettle corn, after I told her we couldn't buy it, forcing us to buy it.
8. Screaming at the top of her lungs, for no particular reason.
9. Screaming at the top of her lungs, for no particular reason.
10. Screaming at the top of her lungs, for no particular reason.
11. Screaming at the top of her lungs, for no particular reason.
12. Screaming at the top of her lungs, for no particular reason.
13.  Screaming at the top of her lungs, for no particular reason.
14. Screaming at the top of her lungs, for no particular reason.
15. Screaming at the top of her lungs, for no particular reason.
 



Monday, May 13, 2013

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Forced love

Lucy just interpreted her mother's day card for me. It says, "Dear Mommy, don't be frustrated! I love you! Give me hugs and kisses!"

Friday, May 3, 2013

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

A different kind of sparkly

Lucy: Mom, my fairy wand is all sticky!
Me:  Why is it sticky?
Lucy: Because I put toothpaste on it.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Mom's BFF

On the playground ...
Lucy: "Hey guys, can I play with you now?"
Girls: "No.  We're four, and you're only three."
Lucy: "Well.  I'm going to go play with my mom!  She's 29!"
I don't have the heart to break it to her that the girls probably aren't jealous.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Smartie pants

While discussing home financing options with our financial adviser, we gave Lucy some paper and crayons to color and keep herself entertained.  Our financial adviser, a very proper southern woman, leaned over, looked at Lucy's scribbles and asked her, "what are you drawing there?  A colorful cloud?"
Lucy:  "No.  It's a double helix nebula."
Without missing a beat, the financial adviser looked at us and said, "What public school district are you planning to be moving to? Or did you want to talk about private school financing options as well?"

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The smoking gun ... err ... dragon

While discussing with my mom why we needed a radon test on the house we have under contract ...
Mom: "What exactly is radon?"
Me: "It's a gas that, if you breathe it in, can give you cancer. But the risks are much greater if you're also a smoker."
Lucy: "I'm not a smoker because I don't smoke."
Me: "That's right, you don't."
Lucy: "But dragons do."

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Colors of the Wind

Lucy: "Let's play Pocahontas."
Me: "Okay, how do you do that?"
Lucy: "Take of your socks and shoes and then run around and let the colors of the wind blow your hair."
This is apparently all she got out of that movie. 
I guess I should be proud that she didn't pick up on the heavy racist undertones and only on the message of being a free spirit.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

She set him straight

Doctor:  Did the Easter bunny come to your house this weekend?
Lucy:  Ummm, no.  Because he's imaginary.

The funny thing is, the tone she said it in was as if she was trying to let the doctor down gently.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Thursday, March 28, 2013

These are a few of my favorite things ...

In tonight's bedtime prayers, Lucy thanks God for "my favorite things" - "boogers, daffodils and planets." 

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Kevlar Dancewear

Lucy: What's a tutu?
Me: You know what a tutu is! It's a skirt that goes around your waist.
Lucy: No! It doesn't go around your waist! It goes around your intestines! Tutus are for protecting intestines!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Womp. Womp.

While at Target ...
Lucy: "Mom!  Look!  Easter candy!  Can I get some?"
Me: "No, sorry, you'll have to wait until Easter."
Lucy: "Womp. Womp."
Yes, that's right.  She said, "Womp. Womp."  And in a proper context!  So proud.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

True obesity ... 1,321 times the size of planet Earth

Lucy's fascination with planets continues.  While standing in line at the bank yesterday behind a very large man ...
Lucy:  "That guy is as big as JUPITER!"
How do you explain that one away to the unsuspecting stranger?

Thursday, March 14, 2013

A mouth full of cabinets

Lucy:  "Mom, I need to brush my teeth this morning or else I might get a cabinet."
Me: "A cabinet?"
Lucy: "Yeah, mom.  A hole in your teeth.  A cabinet."

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Punny

Lucy made up her first punny joke today.
Lucy: "A cat that's allergic is a-purr-gic."
She needs to work on her delivery, but for a 3-year-old, it isn't half bad.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Iconic Barbara

Today we were talking about our trip to Seattle.  Lucy was super disappointed when I told her the Space Needle can't actually fly to space.
Lucy:  "I think the Space Needle needs a different name.  Maybe Barbara?"

Friday, March 8, 2013

Everyday is Christmas Day

I love that Lucy thinks that anytime is an appropriate time to belt out "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer."  Even on a rush hour trolley in Seattle in the middle of March.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Circus Candles

I thought taking Lucy to the Yankee Candle Store would be a good toddler outing - learning about our senses and different smells.  I did not like the looks the store clerks gave me when she opened every candle and proclaimed, "This smells like pachyderms!"

Friday, March 1, 2013

First recognizable drawing of a human form

"That's my daddy. His hair stands up because it's a little dry." 
I wish Caleb really did have a unibrow-mohawk.

My little Galileo

Lucy's really into outer space right now. 

After watching an episode of Cat in the Hat featuring planets ...
Lucy: "but Mom, they didn't discuss Ceres and the other dwarf planets." 

On a winding road behind another car ...
Lucy: "When we go around these curves, why is that car tilting to the side like Uranus?" 

She's 3. How does she know more than me (and PBS) about planets?

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Shine all over ...

Lucy sings "This Little Light of Mine" using her middle finger instead of her pointer finger.  It's so so wrong, and yet, so - in a few ways - so right.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Observant one

Lucy:  Why do those ladies have curly hair?
Me:  Because they wanted to wear their hair curly today.
Lucy:  Why do you have straight hair today, but usually you wear it curly?  Is it because you didn't want to take a shower?  Are you stinky?
My she's observant.

Lucy: Look!  That sign says my name!
Me: No, hunny.  It says "Lucky 7 Liquors".
Lucy: But it has L-U-C-Y! 
Indeed it does.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Princess or Palestinian Leader?

Lucy was watching Tangled in the other room while I made dinner. This is how I came in to find her. Is that Rapunzel or a young Yassir Arafat?

Friday, February 15, 2013

Champ

Kristin: Thanks for doing that hun, you're the greatest.
Caleb: No, you're the greatest.
Lucy: No, I'm the greatest!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

All you need is love

A total stranger gave Lucy $2 today at Wendy's and said "Happy Valentine's Day". Lucy promptly lost the $2 at Target a short time later. It's her version of paying it forward.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

It wasn't me.

Caleb: Lucy, you're supposed to be sleeping, why is there a book in your bed?
Lucy: It was on the rocking chair, it fell on the floor and bounced onto my bed.

Friday, January 25, 2013

G.I. Joe vs. Barracudas

We were sitting next to a soldier in uniform when someone came up and thanked him for his service and called him a hero.
Lucy: "Why did he call him a hero?"
Me: "Because he does very brave things to keep our country safe from scary things."
Lucy: "Like barracudas?"
Life must be pretty sweet when the scariest thing in your life is the opening scene of "Finding Nemo."

Monday, January 21, 2013

Hit the fan ...

While in a public bathroom ...
Lucy: What's that smell?
Caleb: Someone is pooping, but we try not to talk about poop and pee in public.
Lucy: Well, someone needs to turn on a fan.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Onion bracelet

Caleb: "Lucy, do you want this onion ring?"
Lucy: "That's not a ring!  Rings are little!  That's an onion bracelet."