Lucy's 9/11

I had a really interesting conversation with Lucy today about 9/11.  We passed a memorial ceremony happening at the local fire station and she asked what was going on.  In trying to explain it to her, I was stuck by the enormity of fear.  Not just the fear we all felt that day but of fear itself.

Lucy: "What's happening?"
Me: "It's September 11.  They're remembering this day because a long time ago, before you were born, something very scary happened."
Lucy: "What happened?"
Me: "Airplanes flew into buildings and killed lots of people."
Lucy: "Will they kill me?"

Fear.  For the first time, I felt 9/11 in a new way - as a mother.  "Will they kill me?" Tears welled up in my eyes.

Me: "No.  No.  I will keep you safe.  I will keep you safe."

It was enough to ease Lucy's mind and stop her questions, but it's keep me wondering about it all day.  Could I?  Could I keep her safe?  An entire nation was paralyzed by confusion and fear on that day.  I realized that if we were one of the families on Flight 175, and our plane had been hijacked, destined for tower 2, I couldn't.  I couldn't keep her safe.  My one deepest desire as a parent - for my child to survive - would devolve into fear.  Fight or flight.

As someone who has done extensive traveling and grown up as an American abroad, I didn't have the same level of shock on the day of 9/11 as many of my other American friends had.  I was 17-years-old.  I had seen anti-Americanism first hand in South America and knew that while we were unarguably the most developed and enviable county on earth, we also had a habit of acting like it.  Of being the playground bully.  So on an international level, I got it.  I understood why this was happening.  I understood why American foreign policy had left other countries mad at us.

But today, on a personal level, I understood something anew.  I understood the plight of every parent, of every "boot in your ass" American.  I understood fear.  Author and artist Elizabeth Stone once said, "Making the decision to have a child in momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."  The thought of my own daughter being unsafe ignited a primal feeling in me.  And in an instant I understood why so many people reacted the way they did on that day - fight or flight.  Because they believed they were unsafe.  That the attack on those towers was an attack on them and their families.  It was an "aha!" moment for me.  I had never seen it that way before.