It wasn't for lack of trying

Me:  Lucy please eat with your utensils.
Lucy:  Why?
Me:  You're not a monkey. 
Lucy:  But you never taught me to eat with these things.  What am I supposed to do with them?

Smells better

Annie has been home with diarrhea for the last 10 days.  The worst part of it is the smell.

Lucy:  I figured out how to get rid of Annie's diarrhea smell!
Me: Oh yeah?  How?
Lucy: I just covered my lips in grape lip balm and kissed her diaper a lot.  So now it smells like grapes in here.
Caleb: That sounds like the perfect recipe for you to get diarrhea.

A horrible parent

Yesterday we went to Chick-fil-A for dinner because it was on the way home from a soccer consignment sale.  On the way out Lucy was disappointed that I didn't buy her any ice cream (she had already had cookies that day) or let her play on the play place (it was almost bedtime).  A massive melt down ensued as I carried her out of the restaurant.

Lucy:  My parents never let me do ANYTHING!  All they want to do is make me eat HEALTHY food!  And GO TO BED EARLY!
Me: I know it's frustrating, but you already had a treat today, and your bus comes early tomorrow.
Lucy:  AND you have NEVER even bought me a DIAMOND!  Not even a tiny speck of a DIAMOND!

This melt-down is making me look better and better.  Go on, my dear.  In what other ways am I a horrible parent?

Allegiance

Today in school they taught the pledge of allegiance.  Lucy took the work sheet and crossed out the pledge.  She told the teacher, "I won't swear my allegiance to anything but God."

She is a mini-Caleb.

(This is a core Mennonite principal, but I'm afraid we'll hear repercussions about it from the school.)

Topsy Turvy World

Me: Lucy, why don't you and Annie keep playing outside while I go in and start prepping dinner.
Lucy: Mom, you didn't grow up in the country, so you don't know this, but sometimes the food chain out here can get a little topsy-turvy.
Me: Oh really? How so?
Lucy: Like normally humans are supposed to be on top and eat bears, but if we stay out here - a bear might eat us. So I think we should come inside with you.

Growing Up Too Fast

Lucy: Mom, there's a boy in my class who isn't very nice to me. Can you come to school with me today?
Me: No, sweetie. Kindergarten is different than preschool. Mommies can't come along with you. This is an important part of growing up - learning who is nice and who isn't, who you want to spend time with, and how to stand up for yourself, or find an adult to tell if something is really wrong.
Lucy: Mom! I'm just in Kindergarten! I'm not going to college!

Toe Police

Me: Lucy, stop putting the broccoli between your toes and then eating it!  That's gross.
Lucy: Will the police come and put me in the back of their car if I put broccoli between my toes?
Me: No.
Lucy: Then do I HAVE to stop?