Still going strong

On Halloween play dates ...
Me: Lucy, you should probably wear a sweater over that costume. It's a little bit chilly outside.
Lucy:  Mom!  I'm Princess Elsa.  Remember?  "The cold doesn't bother me anyway!"

On making kale chips ...
Lucy:  Are you putting Frederica on those?
Me: Who is Frederica?
Lucy:  Not WHO!  Frederica!  You know, the red powder.
Me:  You mean paprika?
Lucy: Yeah, Frederica!

It wasn't for lack of trying

Me:  Lucy please eat with your utensils.
Lucy:  Why?
Me:  You're not a monkey. 
Lucy:  But you never taught me to eat with these things.  What am I supposed to do with them?

Smells better

Annie has been home with diarrhea for the last 10 days.  The worst part of it is the smell.

Lucy:  I figured out how to get rid of Annie's diarrhea smell!
Me: Oh yeah?  How?
Lucy: I just covered my lips in grape lip balm and kissed her diaper a lot.  So now it smells like grapes in here.
Caleb: That sounds like the perfect recipe for you to get diarrhea.

A horrible parent

Yesterday we went to Chick-fil-A for dinner because it was on the way home from a soccer consignment sale.  On the way out Lucy was disappointed that I didn't buy her any ice cream (she had already had cookies that day) or let her play on the play place (it was almost bedtime).  A massive melt down ensued as I carried her out of the restaurant.

Lucy:  My parents never let me do ANYTHING!  All they want to do is make me eat HEALTHY food!  And GO TO BED EARLY!
Me: I know it's frustrating, but you already had a treat today, and your bus comes early tomorrow.
Lucy:  AND you have NEVER even bought me a DIAMOND!  Not even a tiny speck of a DIAMOND!

This melt-down is making me look better and better.  Go on, my dear.  In what other ways am I a horrible parent?

Allegiance

Today in school they taught the pledge of allegiance.  Lucy took the work sheet and crossed out the pledge.  She told the teacher, "I won't swear my allegiance to anything but God."

She is a mini-Caleb.

(This is a core Mennonite principal, but I'm afraid we'll hear repercussions about it from the school.)

Topsy Turvy World

Me: Lucy, why don't you and Annie keep playing outside while I go in and start prepping dinner.
Lucy: Mom, you didn't grow up in the country, so you don't know this, but sometimes the food chain out here can get a little topsy-turvy.
Me: Oh really? How so?
Lucy: Like normally humans are supposed to be on top and eat bears, but if we stay out here - a bear might eat us. So I think we should come inside with you.

Growing Up Too Fast

Lucy: Mom, there's a boy in my class who isn't very nice to me. Can you come to school with me today?
Me: No, sweetie. Kindergarten is different than preschool. Mommies can't come along with you. This is an important part of growing up - learning who is nice and who isn't, who you want to spend time with, and how to stand up for yourself, or find an adult to tell if something is really wrong.
Lucy: Mom! I'm just in Kindergarten! I'm not going to college!

Toe Police

Me: Lucy, stop putting the broccoli between your toes and then eating it!  That's gross.
Lucy: Will the police come and put me in the back of their car if I put broccoli between my toes?
Me: No.
Lucy: Then do I HAVE to stop?

You need to know something about me ...

Lucy: "Mom, you need to know something about me."
Me: "Yes?"
Lucy: "I'm NOT an armadillo."
Me:  "Yep, I know."
Lucy:  "That's why I'm not good at somersaults."

Healthy Eating

Lucy: Can we drink this strawberry juice today?
Me:  No, I don't want to open it until after I finish the 21 Day Fix​ so I can drink it with you guys.
Lucy: Why is this 21-Day Fix so important to you?
Me: Because it's teaching me to eat healthier.
Lucy: If you're eating healthier why are you only doing it for 21 days?  Why not forever?

Touche, 5-year-old, you win.  I'm still drinking the strawberry juice on Monday.

Mr. Tiki

Lucy thinks Donald Trump's name is "Robert Tiki."  From hence forth The Trump shall only be referred to as Mr. Tiki in our home.

Breakfast?

Lucy on peach and blackberry crisp ...
Lucy:  I think you misread the directions mom.  Desserts are made with sugar, not oatmeal.

Father's Day

Lucy's reaction to Father's Day ...

"Wake me up when it's Daughter's Day."

Giant Octopus Attack

There was a police officer in Lucy's day care yesterday for "community week", answering kids questions.  Lucy's question?  "What would you do if I was attacked by a giant octopus?"  I'm sure that's part of the police academy training.

Strong, White Legs

Doing three months of Les Mills Pump​ has made me brave.  I wore shorts for (possibly) the first time in Lucy's life yesterday.

Today Lucy says, "Momma, why are your legs so white and chubby?"

I swear, sometimes it feels like she can see straight into my soul to my deepest insecurities.  Then she grabs those insecurities, tugs on them and tries to stretch them like spandex to fill my head.  But I had to remind myself, she's just 5.  She's just asking an innocent question.

My response: "They're not chubby, they're strong.  And they're white because they haven't seen the light of day in 5 years."

Then we had a muscle flexing competition.

Dumb Mr. Tiggles

A few choice quotes from Lucy today:
"Some humans are dumb humans, but we're not dumb humans."
"Most bunnies are named Mr. Tiggles."

Imaginary Family

When Lucy is upset she likes to imagine everyone she loves surrounding her.  For instance, when she gets a shot at the doctor's office, we list all of the people who love her - mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins - to get through the ordeal.  The other night I enforced a consequence she didn't see coming.  She burst into tears and was truly upset.

Lucy: "I want everyone in the whole family to be with me."
Me: "Well, Dad and I are right here."
Lucy: "Not from THIS family!  I want my imaginary family!"

Oooo ... burn.

Mother's Day

During prayer time tonight:

Lucy: "God, today was a bad day, because I'm not a real mommy, only a mommy to my dolls.  I want to be a real mommy so today can be about me too."

Lucy's greatest fear

Lucy has had a running fear of octopi.  We're not sure when it started, but every night for the last several months, she asked us to check her bedroom to make sure none have invaded.  Her fears grew so intense, that I had to begin promising her that if an octopus came to the door, I wouldn't let it in.

Octopus: "Hey, I'm here to scare Lucy in the night time."
Me: "Sorry, you can't come in.  I'm her mom, and I say so."

  One night I came home from a night out with girlfriends and found that Caleb had made this sign for our front door.  It stayed up for several weeks.  I'm sure the UPS guy thinks we're weirdos.

This week when we saw this pillow for sale at Target, I couldn't help it.  I made Lucy pose with it. She was a good sport, and even faked the scared face for me!

Two funny things

While at the park, Lucy is hanging from the first rung in the monkey bars.
Boy: That's not how you do it.
Lucy: It's how I do it!
Boy: You have to go all the way across.
Lucy: I'm not a professional monkey bar climber, okay? I just like to hang here!

Lucy gets a chewable vitamin C tablet and a glass of water from my chiropractor if she makes it through one of my appointments without destroying their potted plants. On the way out the door she turns and says to the chiropractor, with a sweet smile on her face, "Yum! Nothing better than vitamin C and a tall, cool glass of water!" Everyone in the chiropractor's office is visibly touched. In the elevator on the way back down to the parking lot she says to me, without a hint of irony and with a mouthful of mushy vitamin C, "actually, a trip to the beach and an icecream cone would be better."

Cloudy with a chance of pee pee

Lucy: "Rain is like cloud pee pee."
I will never look at rainy days the same way.

Animal Trainer

Lucy: "Mom, I'm a really good animal trainer."
Me: "Oh yeah?"
Lucy: "Yeah. Look."
I turn around to see the kitchen counter covered in cat food.
Lucy: "I trained Lena to eat this cat food and she's doing it!"
Miraculous.

Frozen

I accidentally left Annie's diaper bag in the car overnight.  When she had a blow out poop at the chiropractor and I went to get the wipes, they were frozen solid.
Me:  Oh no!  How did this happen?
Lucy:  Queen Elsa.  She loves to freeze things.  That's why she has a movie called Frozen.

Somebody contact Bob Dylan

Me: How many roads must a man walk down, before he is called a man?
Lucy: 5.

Apparently the answer blew in the wind straight to her ear.

Pop Quiz

Lucy: Mom, what's your favorite sauropod?
Me:  Uhhh ... brachiosaurus?
Lucy: Me too, but I also like Argentinasaurus.

Phew!  That was one of the most stressful pop quizzes I've had in over a decade!

High Ambitions

Lucy: I want to be a hairdresser for the circus when I grow up.

It's the "for the circus" part that I'm a little worried about.

Potty humor

Lucy's been really into knock-knock jokes lately.  These two are so ridiculous I end up busting out laughing every time.

Lucy: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Lucy: Hurty.
Me: Hurty who?
Lucy: Hurty butthole!


Lucy: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Lucy: Shampoo.
Me: Shampoo who?
Lucy: Sham-poopoo Bush.

Every Heartbeat

Me (singing Whitney Houston): I wanna know if he really loves me!  I'll say a prayer with every heart beat!
Lucy:  Mom, that's too many prayers.

Don't step on the grass

Lucy: Don't step on the crack or you'll break your mother's back!
Me: Is that why you think my back hurts today?  You stepped on a crack?
Lucy: Yeah.  I made up another one for daddy.  Don't step on the grass or you'll break you father's -
Caleb: I don't like where this is going.
Lucy:  - back!

Saved again by the 5-year-old's limited knowledge of rhyming words!

Nuggy

Lucy:  I named my belly button 'nuggy'.  Nuggy comforts me.

I can't say I've ever been comforted by my belly button.

Hours of entertainment

Look mom, I invented bug catchers! ‪#‎Breastpump‬ ‪#‎futureengineer‬